The Dojo. Preparing for the Rise of the Dead.

The Dojo is back and is longer hiding like anne frank

2006-02-17T09:16:00.000-08:00

First of all let me say that though we had to take major operations underground we still stayed vigilant. Did you? Wow I just saw a guy take a kick to the nuts on my global monitoring system and it didn't hurt because of Judo-Kai, which is nothing compared to the Dojo training. It's a known fact that a Zombie doesn’t have a great leg range. Plus Judo-kai is for pussies, because it lacks the binge drinking discipline of the Dojo. The only right way to kill Zombies on Z-day is to be mildly drunk and then wait till some Zombie Cop try’s to pull you over. He will want to try and eat your brains but for him it will be his second 187 and your victory over his dead zombie form. As a postscript make sure he is a real zombie cop before unleashing the wrath of the Dojo. I’m off to do some training. Remember practice your Katas and stay vigilant.

Remember this

2005-08-09T12:37:00.000-07:00

An Act
of
Contrition

O my God,
I am heartily sorry for
having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins, which are not killing zombies
because I dread the loss of heaven,
and the pains of hell;
but most of all because
they offend Thee, my God, all the dead zombies whom which I have slaughtered on Z-day
Who are all good and
deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve,
with the help of Thy grace,
to confess my sins,
to do penance,
and to amend my life.
Amen.

URGENT NEWS

2005-08-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

THIS NEWS IS SO URGENT THAT IT HAS TO BE TYPED IN LARGE PRINT. DOLPH LUNDGREN AND THE ZOMBIE FILES WERE ALMOST SEIZED BY AGENTS OF THE UNDEAD, OUR INTELLENGENCE REPORTS THAT A PERSON ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOJO WAS MAKING SECRET MIDNIGHT MEETINGS WITH THE DOJOS NEMESIS DR. ROD F. ZOMBIELOVER. DR. ZOMBIELOVER HAS FOR YEARS BEEN TRYING TO GET ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOJO AND BRING BACK ZOMBIES FOR HIS EVIL PLANS OF ZOMBIETISING HALF OF canada. HE ALMOST SUCCEEDED BUT OUR OUT OF WORK ACTOR HANS FOUGHT OUR EX-AGENT OFF AND SAVED MONTHS OF RESEARCH.

AND HERE IS SOME INTERESTING TRIVIA ON THE MAN THAT JUST SAVED HALF OF CANADA:
Trivia

Was team leader for the United States modern pentathlon team at the 1996 summer olympics.

Was once engaged to Grace Jones

Holds a master's degree in chemical engineering. Was offered a Fulbright scholarship to study at MIT.

He married Anette in Stockholm.

Was once a bodyguard for Grace Jones

He was European Heavyweight Karate Champion in 1980-81.

Australian Heavyweight Karate Champion in 1982.

He dated model Paula Barbieri, also O.J. Simpson's ex-girlfriend.

Speaks five languages: Swedish, English, German, French and Japanese.

Born in 1957, but claims birthdate of 1959.

Officially announced his retirement from acting to spend more time with his family. [April 19, 2002]

Children, with Anette Qviberg: Ida and Greta.

I.Q. is 160

Was one of the last celebrities modelling for photographer Victor Skrebneski, notably a Chicago International Film Festival poster.

He obtained his third degree black belt (third Dan) in Kyokushinkai Karate in July 1998 in Stockholm, Sweden, after a four to five months training with his former teacher Brian Fitkin.

Sports natural blonde hair in all his films, save for The Punisher (1989) where it is dyed jet black to match that of the comic character.

He was the first actor cast for the 1987 cult sci-fi film Masters of the Universe (1987).

Was considered at one point for the role of Marvel Comics superhero Captain America.

Was considered for the role of Ben Richards in The Running Man (1987). The part eventually went to Arnold Schwarzenegger.

AGENT ZOMBIEKILLER SIGNING OFF, STAY VIGILANT AND REMEMBER ZOMBIE WE WILL BREAK YOU, YOU UNDEAD JAYWALKING BASTARDS

NEWS FROM REMOTE LOCATIONS

2005-07-28T17:53:00.001-07:00

Let me be the first in saying sorry that we at the Dojo have not been able to update this valuable site for a while. We were in remote territories doing extensive Zombie studies so top secret that all of our information on them are in one of those Manila folders with a cool ultra top secret stamp on the top then we placed them into a metal briefcase which is handcuffed to an out of work actor. Who you say. Well he will be named in a later blog. Well here is the latest up to date news on Zombies, it's seems that Zombies go through an evolution stage and then they eeb into a very retarded undead stagger, which is followed by more evolution. For example the Zombies in Dawn of the Dead are quick and semi-intelligent while in later movies they digress and with the latest Zombie feature they have once again have gained some form of knowledge. It is a mystery that the Dojo is working dilingetly to solve. We have recently discovered in a demographic we published only months ago that there are large vampire communities surrounding 24 hour grocery stores and convenient marts. Well we must once ago go into the bush to study our Zombie foes so we can strike them down when Z-day comes. Stay vigilant and watch your back.

NEWS FROM REMOTE LOCATIONS

2005-07-28T17:53:00.000-07:00

F.A.Q.S

2005-07-15T11:10:00.000-07:00

Q. Why do Zombies have teeth if they are rotten corpses?
A. Because of excellent 20th century dental.
Q.Is it bad to infect someone you don't like so you can kill them?
A.That's a gray area but here at the Dojo we do not sponser these practices.
Q.Can Zombies procreate sexually?
A.No their only concern is eating brains.
Q.What's the fastest a Zombie can run?
A.We'll put it this way I'm pretty sure my moms Suzuki can run one down, but in a side note black zombies are still better athletes.
Q.Can you argue a Zombie out of attaching?
A.No but loud noises and especially Van Helen distract them.
Q.Are you looking for junior scientist at the Dojo laboratories?
A.Yes but you must have extremely advanced degrees and a vast knowledge of the undead.
Q.Have you actually ever seen a Zombie?
A.Yes
Q.What effects does alcohol have on Zombie training?
A.We are firm believers in mixing alcohol with Zombie ground training, but do not suggest mixing a lot of it with flight and driving training.
Q.Is it true that the Dojo deals with death similar to klignons?
A.Yes we do send our warriors off in similar fashion, remember never threaten a Dojo members honor.
Q.Will there be a head Zombie and if so do they elect officials and how long are their terms in office or appointment?
A.That will on depend on what the next Zombie virus is and if it's a election year.
Q.If you could compare a Zombie to a murder, rapist or a jaywalker which would it be?
A.Oh Zombies are definitely jaywalking bastards.
MORE F.A.Q.S TO COME REMEMBER ZOMBIES ARE JAYWALKING BASTARDS

Air Striker and the Batleth Sword

2005-07-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Due to an extended recon mission outside the normal parameters, I was unable to post an update yesterday. I apologize for the absence of communication, but our intel has grown tremendously due to the mission. We are now safer and have more information about the surrounding dangers and preventative measures that must be taken in order to ensure the safety of our fellow man. While traveling I met up with a good friend and an expert in air maneuvering, codename AIR STRIKER. I believe that he will be a valuable asset in the war against the zombies. He has positioned himself within access to offensive aircraft that will prove necessary for the tragic rise of Z-Day. His vigilance and valor are models that all Dojo soldiers should emulate. These qualities place him above the norm and in the top rung of key players that will help us become victorious in the cause.

It has also come to my attention that prior mass production of star trek fantasy memorabilia may be our greatest chance for survival against the zombie uprising. The recreation of the Klingon Batleth sword is a 48 inch stainless steel curved blade. It's parallel leather grip allows its wielder an ergonomic offense. With the movement of the arm or wrist, the Batleth moves with ease to slaughter the enemy - in this case the undead. Such displays of the batleth power can be seen by Worf of Deep Space Nine and The Next Generation. Worf is noted as a superb warrior of the batleth and has won tournaments with this deadly weapon. The Dojo has acquired a number of these items; we suggest that our subscribers do the same. Practice with these weapons is essential for guaranteed success, find a batleth tournament near you for combat simulations and trials that will be useful when the Day comes. Your mental and physical fortitude is your greatest attribute in the fight against the zombie. The Dojo is now preparing such tournaments and seminars in order to educate the masses about the batleth and its techniques.

With AIR STRIKER above us and the batleth sword in our hands, the Dojo has a greater chance than ever to restore the Earth to its human heirs and purge the zombie presence forever.

Minutes from UFSTWFTRUZK

2005-07-12T14:15:00.000-07:00

It has recently been brought to the Dojos attention at our last international meeting of the Union for saving the world from the ravenous undead Zombie killers or "UFSTWFTRUZK", we are trying to shorten that up but, for now that's what the general public associates with and our PR department told us that a name change should be a subtle thing. Anyways what was brought up was the issue with Vampires. Now true Vampires are undead but we believe that they are not all bad like Muslims they are our uneasy Allies. So when Z-day strikes we believe that vampires will help to strife the land of Zombies along side of the elite Dojo freedom fighters. After that diligent task though, we may have to go back to keeping a watchful eye on our large teeth allies for they will always have a thirst for blood, but as soon as that thirst turns human we attack them with extreme prejudice, shit!, If you are a vampire reading this omit the previous statement from your pasty face widows peak head. In closing we still don't have a clue on how Vampires will act on Z-day. Stay Vigilant

The Pet Threat

2005-07-11T17:28:00.000-07:00

The topic of today is rarely discussed. It's even possibly an unknown threat to most civilians. This threat is the gigantic animal population that exists around the world. Studies have shown that not all animals show the same signals of infection that people do, but can still be carriers of the disease. Almost all animals wild or domestic become more irritable when infected by the zombie. The most dangerous of these are species that are most likely to be around people and transmit the disease. Household pets (dogs, cats, marmots), opossum, raccoons, stray animals, skunks, squirrels, etc. have the highest probability of infecting the surrounding human communities. Primates such as chimps, gorillas, and orangutans have been noted in actually forming zombie like qualities just as their human counterparts have. **This study was performed under strict supervision within the Dojo facilities**

We suggest that as always, remain aware of your surroundings and those that enter and remain near your home (both human and non). But when Z-Day becomes reality, keep your beloved pets near you. Do not allow them to bite the infected, they will ingest the toxic blood themselves and unknowingly become zombie transmitters. Farm animals will also have to be locked up or slaughtered in order to protect people and other animal carnivores. We cannot allow people to consume infected chicken, beef, and pork. We are still doing tests on egg products, but for now we warn people that they are potentially harmful. The world is afraid of the outbreak "Mad Cow Disease" imagine the results of "Mad Zombie Disease."

Zombie food or your lively hood

2005-07-10T13:16:00.000-07:00

Do you value your brains as much as I do? Do you use the left side of your brain more than the right or does the right hemisphere of your brain dominate your thinking? Well if you answered yes to one or more of the preceding questions than you are qualified as junior member of the Dojo. Fact Zombies will lust for brains in their ravishing caravans of the undead and they will want brains, your brains that's why we must train to combat them now so in the future your medulla will be in your head and not in the jaws of the enemy. I would like to take some time now to dispel the myth that wearing a helmet will keep you and your brains safe from the Zombies. We must all remember that the zombie infection can spread by the smallest of cuts a helmet will only stop minor concussions or small strikes to the head. Cerebellum is Latin for little brain, but take off the cere and you have bellum, that's right bellum. For all those not familiar with Latin bellum means WAR and our cause for war will be saving mankind from Zombies. Stay vigilant

Hope in the face of the Apocalypse

2005-07-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

As the four undead horsemen of the zombie apocalypse march in the cavalry of doom, a new hope emerges from the ashes of hellfire. Two of our most promising soldiers have devoted themselves not only to the cause but also to each other. With this devotion that they have promised to one another, a new hope for mankind's future also blooms. We must look at these warriors of the human cause and revel in their optimism for humankind. They have showed that they believe in the cause and foresee the future of humanity as a lasting existence.

Though the joy is felt throughout the Dojo, we must not be lax in our vigilance. Our defensive stance should always be prepared. We must remain ever ready to take the offensive against such a heinous nemesis. Tonight we must exercise our night stealth. True followers, take tonight as a test for the many nights that are to come. Tonight the exercise is to infiltrate a public space and attempt to remain undetected for as long as possible. Also, remember to practice our defensive katas with and without weapons. We must always stay prepared for any circumstance.

In conclusion, those lost who risked their lives for the cause and those who have lost loved ones in the struggle to secure humanity's future - you are not forgotten. May their souls be delivered to the gates of Valhalla and their honor be recognized by those of a higher power than our own. We shout your names, my brothers, paying you the utmost respect for the service you have done for our dying world. We praise your valor. May your heavenly battles be honorable everyday. Your memory will be preserved in the Great Hall where we celebrate your lives and the lives of those who remain to build a new hope for Earth.

Z-DAY

2005-07-08T16:38:00.000-07:00

First of all once infected the Zombies will spread like cocroaches ravishing the land in search of fresh human brains, this Zombie imfamy will be of epic proportions. In recent studies I have found that the average Zombie does not have very a quick range of motion, so we must all continue to practice our quick lateral movements and our Zombie evasion techniques, in addition to our deadly Zombie killing Katas. We must all stay vigilant in our hours of waiting and watching for the first signs of infection. Remember the fate of Man Kind is more important then skipping a training day to watch Star Trek on Spike. As with the Borg, the Zombies will try and assimilate every last one of us into their lifeless world.

Land of the Dead - A failing strategy

2005-07-07T17:03:00.000-07:00

Last week I had the opportunity to watch the last in the "of the Dead" series: Land of the Dead. In this movie the dead have inherited the Earth and the only humans are scattered in walled cities guarded by rag-tag armies. These armies travel by night to neighboring infested areas on resupply missions for the overcrowded city. Of course, in the movie the zombies have found a way inside the city and civilization is utterly destroyed even further by unprepared leaders.

Viewing this film as a possible strategy to combat the zombie front, I will comment on the design flaws of the movie and how best to ensure the survival of the population within the cities.

First these armies have no objective to actually irradicate the existing zombie population, instead they attempt to avoid them and distract them with fireworks (skyflowers). Instead the armies should go into each town one by one and destroy the threat that exists, not attempt to avoid the problem. As we saw, the walls were penetrated.

My neighbor is on to me and will be the first to go

2005-07-06T14:15:00.000-07:00

As I stare out the window after another sunrise I observe that my neighbor still carries his hideous human form, damn I was hoping today would be our Z-day, the day when the Dojo sends all Zombies and their allies back to Hades. Is there any secret underground laboratory being negligent today, forgetting to turn something off or dropping a deadly zombie virus, the Dojo can only hope. For all you faithful to the Dojo training system remember to practice all of your Zombie killing katas today, I myself have all ready ran 5 miles and performed 2 hours of zombie killing attack moves. The Home Depot also has some great sales on blunt objects so check that. Remember when death is on the line a piece of wood could be your only hope. For now it's back to the training. Zombie Killer signing off. Maybe tomorrow my neighbor will be a souless being of rotten flesh walking the earth in search of brains, One can only hope.

The Fifth of July - One less day before the Dead rise to destroy us.

2005-07-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

How shall we survive if they were to rise against us? Here at the Dojo we are becoming prepared for such a tragedy of absolute hopelessness. For those unaware of the situation, Hell is set to unleash the dead upon our land. The consequence will reak havoc of biblical proportions upon our land, but without biblical prophecy. Instead of the savior emerging to combat the forces of evil, we will be alone with only our courage and survival insticts to save us.

The facts:
For the last couple of years there have been a copious amount of zombie media saturating every outlet. Zombie movies (28 days later, shaun of the dead, dawn of the dead, land of the dead, resident evil 1 and 2), zombie video games (the resident evil series and clones), literature about the unnatural and unholy occurances (check amazon and the like). While some see this as a growing trend of entertainment and the natural progression to profit on a cultural fad, we at The Dojo see this trend as an unholy prophecy that warns us of the inevitable. We are in danger of losing our entire civilization, culture, and species. The only thing that stands in the way of total annahilation is being prepared for a war against the dead. We need to become urban and suburban soldiers prepared to destroy those who turn to destroy us. We must be ready to kill our best friends and mothers when their wounds eat their souls and mutate their very existences.

As the days progress, I will post more information, strategy, and insights for the safety of my fellow man. Until then, stay safe, vigilant, and prepared.